Alfonso Ramon Liles (September 20, 1978-October 31, 2021)
Yesterday, we laid my Son to rest, and this was the most painful experience I have ever had to face. He is here in what feels like a moment, and then I get that dreadful phone call informing me that my Son is gone. After the shock, I shifted to Denial and camped there for a while; I could not face reality.
I pondered on Psalm 139 and 1 Thess. 4:13 as an anchor to keep me steadfast in my faith in Jesus Christ; yet my heart continues to scream, “Why!”.
Honestly, as the days go by since his death, I still feel numb. When I wake, I remind myself that he is gone, and the numbness in my heart returns. A dark cloud covers the light in my heart, like a shadow on groundhog day. It has been over a month now, but to me, it was just yesterday. I feel like I am reliving the day he died. Although, if I am candid, I would say that sometimes, Denial helps me forget to grieve. But again, I wake up the next day realizing he is gone again. Will this nightmare ever end?!!
I remember the day I stood on the beach alone and was afraid. At 16, a single mother looking out towards a vast ocean in Santa Cruz, California, where he was born. I was trembling with fear as tears flowed from my eyes during the sunset.
I remembered what felt like an embrace and peace I had never experienced before. I did not know Jesus as my Lord and Savior, nor did I feel worthy of such grace. My upbringing was far from His grace. I learned receiving such love could only be accomplished through works, something I failed daily. Yet underserving, I felt a peace I had never felt before and heard what sounded like a gentle breeze whisper, “I will help you.” However, I never imagined losing him like this.
Now, here I stand again at the shoreline. As I look towards the vast sea, I wonder how I will live without my only Son. He brought so much joy to my heart. When they lay him in his final resting place, the sunset in my heart grew dim. I felt numb, as though something inside had died with him. I wander through each day like a lost sheep among loved ones feeling distant, as I am outside looking through a window. I have two companions standing on each side. One is Grief, and the other is Denial. I refuse to let Grief comfort me, and he is constantly reaching out to embrace me; I deny my new reality because Denial is easier to deal with when trying to process my loss.
Weep no more little child; I have collected your tears in My bottle. The tears you shed from your broken heart have caused Me to draw closer to you. So surrender to Me all you hold dear and let my love work all things for your good.