“Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Your name; the righteous shall surround me, for You shall deal bountifully with me (Psalm 142:7).”
I wondered if it is even appropriate to share what has been going on as I try to navigate life independently and without complete clarity of my future during these times of uncertainty. You see, I grieved the death of my marriage, and the dreams I was convinced were just around the corner. So I could say that 2021 was the worst year of my life. However, 2021 was the tragic entrance into a new life, fearful, lost, confused, and traumatized.
First, my sad entry was through the death of my marriage of thirty-nine years and the tragic death of my only son. The shock when awakened to my reality almost drove me insane. I willingly lived in hell because of the soul chains placed on me by my ancestors and kept locked in my prison through false beliefs, legalism, and the man I married who used Spiritual Abuse to keep me under his control. I was supposed to love, honor, and submit regardless of my heart’s cries because that was what a good Christian wife is supposed to do.
Religion was another tool used to solidify my soul chains. It took years and months to dispel, grieve, reframe, and recover from the brainwashing and trauma I endured with the help of my grown children, including my son when he was alive and now through his memory; my son was a source of strength and courage for me. My counselor worked with me for many years by teaching me how to reframe my false beliefs. The Lord says in the Bible, “My children are dying for lack of knowledge of Me.”
Education was critical to my escape in many forms. I would not have been able to do this alone. Also, I am continuing to establish solid boundaries for my safety and sanity from certain people in my life by staying in no contact because, like sponges, they sucked my very life out of me. The Bible also talks about these people who always say, give me, give me!” I am also limiting time with those who may cause harm unintentionally; with no judgment, I now know my limits and co-dependency traits—institutionalized like a lifetime prisoner who intentionally committed a crime to go back to a place of familiarity. I left several times and went back because it was familiar and more comfortable to live in the corner of the house than live in fear of the unknown.
I have been working on my mental for a substantial amount of time, and the people who most impacted my journey were, and still are, my grown children, who have witnessed my struggles and encouraged me when they saw I was about to give up. On the other hand, my ex inspired me to press on for his selfish gain. Unbeknownst to me, he used my triggers to keep me locked up in My Beautiful Prison. I am sharing this with you now because I need your prayers and support. I need your prayers for protection because I don’t feel safe, and I am hoping no one else stays in this type of relationship as I have done. My loss was tremendous and unnecessary. I left the day after my graduation, and it was not my intention to do so; forced to leave because I thought my life was in danger. I feel I am constantly looking around as I manage my daily routines, and somehow he manages to stalk me through this site and others.
Nevertheless, I am trying to press forward on my Day’s Journey; some days are hard because I can’t see past the tears in my eyes from the loss of my son. Other days, anxiety crashes over me like a mighty wave when I am afraid for my life because of the stalking. Every day someone is dying inside because of the lies instilled in our lives and the lives of our children. We also inenvertally put soul chains on our children through our ignorance by telling them what God hates more than His love for them.
Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233