Since my accident, I have been stricken with fear, paralyzed, and unable to move forward. Every morning fear woke me up, and anxiety was like an alarm clock I could not turn off. I cried out to God for His mercy, yet my heart was on high alert. I don’t want to taste the bitterness of the world and all it has to offer. I tried to ground myself in God’s word, yet, my body trembled with fear.
“Taste and see God’s Goodness towards us amid the uncertainty, Psalm 34:8.
“I wondered, how can God’s goodness be revealed through my losses other than His magnification through the broken pieces of my life and heart?”
Am I being NEGATIVE? What does negativity have to do with the reality that we have an enemy seeking to destroy God’s children? Did I bring this on myself through the cosmos? I think not, and I don’t wake up thinking about ruining my life or the lives of others.
Would my enemy be delighted that he took me down; I think not because the enemy trembles at the sight of the Lord; and if God is in us, why did fear strike me? Because I depended on my strength, I was still trying to control the wheel of my life. I did not depend on God.
We talk about God’s goodness when things are going well until we lose control. I lost all control, and my faith was shaken to my core. I doubt God’s plan was locking me up again, but now by the mouths of some well-intentioned friends and family, I was imprisoned by fear again because they spoke fear into me. The thought of this made me wish that I did die that day. I lived in hell for thirty-nine years and would rather die than live that life again.
When our faith is tested beyond our control, our hearts lay bare, and the hearts of those near us doubt the goodness of God.
We try to defend God by shifting the blame to ourselves or others. Like Job’s friends, we try to reason and find fault for our shortcomings. But, hey, I am guilty of this myself. I am my worst critic, but even Paul says, I dare not judge myself (1Corin. 4).
We preach good sermons to ourselves and others until fear strikes his ugly head, telling us all the could haves. Yes, I could have died; what is wrong with death if Jesus says I have eternal life with Him? Friends and family want you to be safe, so they metaphorically imprison you by speaking fear over you; the very words Jesus tells us not to do, we do! He says, ‘FEAR NOT!’ Yet, paralyzed with chronic anxiety, I could not take a single step out of the house for two weeks.
Daily, my morning routine is having a cup of coffee with Jesus, getting dressed, and heading out to work in less than an hour. I know; who can do that as quickly as I can? I am lucky to have naturally curly hair, and make-up has always been my enemy; it makes me break out with pimples, so less is best for me! I usually pack myself a peanut butter and honey sandwich for breakfast and a milk bottle while on the road; I couldn’t even do these simple things!
However, on Sunday, I decided it was time to face my fear of getting behind the wheel and driving to church. After showering, I put my bathrobe back on and sat with my hand on my chest. I had to calm myself to do the next task, and after completing that simple task, I sat again and again until I finally got into the car. I sat there, prayed, and talked to my soul. I told my soul to trust in the Lord; why are you afraid if God is with you?
Yet, filled with anguish and anxiety, I started the car. It took everything in me to do these simple tasks. I am not bragging; fear is real and destructive.
“Lord, You have put gladness in my heart, more than they have when their grain and wine are increased Psalm 4:7.
(Read the whole Psalms, it was how I felt.)
Today after another full-blown anxiety attack, tears to the Lord, and His word as my guide, I decided to get out of the house. I isolated myself and went into a deep depression; I had to get out. So I got into my rental car and drove to a car lot. I asked the Lord to give me wisdom and prayed to God that the man standing there waiting to greet me as most car salespeople do would be a god-fearing man.
“Blessed Unity of the People of God
A Song of Ascents. Of David. Psalm 133
1Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brethren to dwell together in unity!
2 It is like the precious oil upon the head,
Running down on the beard,
The beard of Aaron,
Running down on the edge of his garments.
3 It is like the dew of Hermon,
Descending upon the mountains of Zion;
For there, the Lord commanded the blessing—
God led me amongst brothers in Christ. Everyone involved in the process, from the salesman to finance, did so with integrity. I, alone as a woman with little knowledge about cars, was afraid of being taken advantage of for the sale of a vehicle. I was not. I got a better car, a better payment, and a more profound love for God’s people, who have been praying and encouraging me these past two weeks. After I explained to the salesman my situation and about my car accident, everyone involved treated me like a baby sister. Praise be to the God who Hears!