I admit it; I am terrified to take that step, but I am ready to share in the adventures of a healthy relationship. I’ve read the Bible about what godly women look like, which isn’t what the worldview modeled; I never was one for Barbie dolls, tea parties, and playhouses. Instead, I played with Tonka Toys, Hot Wheels, and Army men; I was born free to love and be loved as I am. No wonder I felt uncomfortable under the mask of the person I thought I was supposed to be. However, the only beauty I related to was Raggedy Ann because, like her, I don’t like to dress up and comb my hair, and my nickname was Raggedy Ann. When I shared with my son and granddaughter that the only doll I ever wanted as a child was Raggedy Ann, they bought me one for my birthday about fifteen years ago, and every birthday after, I would jokingly say that Raggedy Ann was still waiting for Andy. He would laugh and firmly say no, mom. I don’t believe my son wanted me to be alone; he always wanted me to be happy, valued and loved. However, I didn’t value myself because I wasn’t appreciated. These virtues weren’t modeled to me in real-time. This wasn’t an excuse; it was my reality. But I was relieved from my hopelessness when I learned that I could change the script after the healing process; even in my old age, while I still have breath, I can love and receive love.

I have to have a guiding light to keep me moving forward; I need a ray of hope to direct my steps, and the Holy Spirit has faithfully guided me through each step. Small goals aren’t as overwhelming, so the starting point was God’s promise to give me hope for a better future. But first, I needed to find where I lost myself and learn how to walk in the freedom Christ died to give me, to give all those who believe and trust Him. I couldn’t answer the question, “tell me about yourself?” I’ve known how to be okay alone and be myself around others without worrying about their thoughts about me. Their opinions are their own; I don’t need the approval of others to feel valued anymore. I found the lost treasure within myself, and now I am ready to share what God has given me for His glory and praise.

But most importantly, I untied the unhealthy soul ties from the people, places, and beliefs that kept me bound in unhealthy patterns; the Lord gave me a new name Revelation 2:17. Also, The Bible says, as a dog who returns to his vomit, so is a fool who returns to his folly Proverbs 26:11. I realized I was living in my old way of thinking; patterns. However, with the help and prayers of the wise counsel of godly men and women, one slight shift of my thoughts can change the direction of my life, such as Leslie Vernick’s quote, “God makes all things good for our growth.” and by taking responsibility for what I allowed my life, I can reclaim what had been taken from me.

Finally, I pray for the man God will bring me to like He brought Rebecca to Isaiah. Every day I pray for his safety and well-being and to be free from the things that bind him in captivity. Sometimes I get discouraged, and I wonder if he is like the sun and I like the moon. Is it only in the heavens that we cross paths like a lunar eclipse? Nevertheless, I choose not to camp out in the pit of despair; I get back up, wipe off self-pity, look up to the heavens, thank the Good Lord for His constant guidance, and keep walking until our hearts collide. It will be worth the wait and struggle when we are finally united because our hearts will be one in Christ as God intended. So I pray that the Lord give me the strength and courage to press toward the prize He has set before me; to be one with God, in Christ Jesus. So may we be united in the Love of Christ and fulfill the purpose of God with the same mind and heart; to the glory of God, in Jesus’ name, amen.