When I saw the movie, “Let it Go.” In the blink of an eye, a minister’s life was turned upside down. One minute, he was laughing with his family. The next moment, a drunk driver took the lives of his wife, their unborn child, and two other children. After his loss, he shut down. Everything he preached and taught became questionable, but Jesus Christ, who stands closer than a brother.

I know the struggle; in a blink, my son was gone. Everything crashed against me. My faith, my beliefs, what is true? Is God just? Was everything in vain? Where was God? Why???

I struggled with these questions for a very long time. Not only after my son had passed, but since my childhood. I grew up in a religious environment among hypocrisy; I saw things no child should ever see and questioned God. My grandmother prayed nightly for God’s help. Her heart was heavy from the weight of her little world crashing down on her. Yet, what remained the same was that God was with her. Same as her, my little world, the way I knew it, fell apart. Jesus never left me. I wanted a perfect life, and I wanted to do things my way.

Before this summer, I felt the need to drive up the coast. I wanted to visit the place where my son was born. I wanted to go to the hospital where he was born. I wanted to walk barefoot on the grass where he took his first steps. I wanted to go to the beach where he loved playing in the sand and water. But most of all, I want to see the sun set on the ocean; why? In my mind, I only knew what I wanted, but the LORD knew what I needed. I didn’t exactly know why until this day. I had plans, but Jesus had a purpose.

When we first arrived at the beach, I sat right here. God knew I wanted to come to a beach. It was my first connection with Him when I was pregnant with my son. I was scared and alone, but I felt loved and cared for. I met Jesus on the beach. Before Ray died, he invited me to join him and his family at the beach. Again, I felt frightened and alone because I was going through a divorce. Again, I felt the love of God embrace me. On this day, as I sat, I wasn’t feeling fearful or alone. The Love of God consumed me. I felt my son’s loving embrace; I felt him telling me to let him go.

Finally, I released him into the loving arms of our heavenly Father. As I sat gazing at the beautiful sunset over the ocean, I felt a connection of family spiritually surround me. My sweet granddaughter, Kayden, held me so lovingly as I wept. My daughter, son-in-law, and grandson were preparing our picnic, and even brought marshmallows for s’mores. Lastly, when I looked over and saw my youngest granddaughter, Azzah, dancing in the shadows. God knew what I needed. It was more beautiful than I can put into words. His way was so much better than my way. I now know the purpose was letting go; letting go of my precious son.

I finally understand, and there was a lot of revelation, but it’s not the right time to share. Today was the Day of Letting Go.