I went to visit my son and my mom today. I don’t know why I haven’t bought a small folding chair and an umbrella by now; this is the fifth Mother’s Day since my life was shaken to the core.
I can still hear his voice in my heart. I never want to forget the sound of his voice. Sometimes, when I am about to go barrio on someone, I hear him say, ‘Mom….don’t” I laugh at the image in my mind, and then I tell him how much I miss him, and cry. I always told him he had his fathers temper. I guess he had a little of us both. I dreamed they both were walking away from me. They were happy, and I told them, I will see them soon. I know heaven is where we will meet again.
As I sat on ground and looked around, I noticed the cementary was full of families. I chuckled and told my mom, this is where forgotten mothers are visited. They die, then are remembered. I guess I do sound a little bitter, but this a reality for thousands of mothers. If your mom is still in the land of the living, call her, or give her some time; time is priceless. Flowers die, time creates memories; memories are hope tucked in the heart.
My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship; we fought a lot, but I remembered purple was her favorite color. So I bought her purple flowers. I can still hear her voice too. I come here quite often, and I should know where her grave is, but it takes a minute to find her. Of course, I tell her that she is always hiding from me. I hear her say, “Why sure!”
The older I get, I am beginnig to look more like her. I am glad for the time the LORD gave us to repent, heal, and forgive one another. Life for her was cruel, and I witnessed her struggles and pain. Sometimes I grieve what she suffered.
I went to a new church today; I haven’t been faithfully going to church for awhile. I sat there the whole time repenting because the pastor was loud, yelling triggers me. I did not want to be there. At the sound of every loud clap of his hands, I jumped. I thought, LORD, if I am judging, I repent. Then I asked, “Why am I here?”
Finally, after the message, I practically ran out of there. I haven’t figured out why I was so uneasy, but the Lord will reveal it to me. If not, He will show me what I need to repent and change. I love the body of Christ, I’m just not ready to get plugged into another church.
I still have a lot of work to do. Healing takes time.