The Beast of Shame

Revised from the original text by Lisa Rene Delgado

“Bring my soul out of prison, that I may praise Your name; the righteous shall surround me, For You shall deal bountifully with me” (Psalm 142:7) NKJV.

Shame Silenced Me

For a long time, I suffered silently and tried to fight my battles alone, but I felt defeated every time. Then, finally, I prayed and asked God to help me open up to people who cared enough to speak the truth in love and pray for me; I did not trust anyone. After that, my life changed dramatically, but it wasn’t easy. I had to reach out and tell my story, get help and apply it to my internal and external work. However, there aren’t enough words to describe the newfound freedom I now live in Christ. 

mysterious shadow behind dark backdrop
Photo by Farzad Sedaghat on

It was New Year’s Eve, 2016. I sat in my walk-in closet and wrote a poem called “Beautiful Prison” in my journal.

Before that day, I prayed for God’s help, death was at my door, and I had no desire to live any longer. I was mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. I had a death wish, and suicide again knocked at my door, tempting me to take my life. I knew I needed help now. (988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline)

It was the beginning of a new journey for me, and I had no idea what kind of journey I was about to encounter. All I knew was God was with me. Yet, I became fearful because I knew something more potent than I had ever imagined was holding me back. A powerful force kept me from moving forward. Though nothing was visible, I felt locked in a spiritual dungeon; the nightmares of an evil presence became more extreme even as I napped during the day. I felt completely alone until I cried out to the Lord, and He heard me. The Lord helped me after I reached out to professionals, friends, leaders, my Pastor, and family. 

For my birthday, my best friend gave me a book called “The Soul of Shame” by Curt Thompson, M.D. 

At first, I couldn’t understand the context of the book until I saw a video of Dr. Perry talking about “Core Belief.” He gave me a better understanding of what I was experiencing. After watching the video, I was encouraged to get out and get help from a professional counselor.

After that, everything seemed to go well until I had a Physical Breakdown a few weeks later. I felt like I had strep throat, and I was in so much pain. I could not swallow anything, and my neck swelled so much that my throat had closed entirely. I drove to the hospital, where they believed I had a blood infection; I was immediately put on antibiotics through an IV and admitted. I had several specialists caring for me and eventually had surgery. What could seem like another roadblock, unlike the times before when I lay utterly alone in a hospital, my room had a revolving door of relatives, friends, and church family, surrounding me with love, their presence, and prayers. The Lord, in His great mercy, showed me that I was not fighting this battle alone, not this time!   

But even when the enemy thought he would defeat me, God in His Great Mercy sent an Army of godly men and women to pray for me. It was as though they were blocking me from the devil. The love and presence of friends and family defeated the enemy of my soul, and as I grew stronger, my will to fight for myself grew stronger. I continue to seek support from safe people, and continue with my counseling sessions regularly. With the knowledge and support of others, I am encouraged to keep moving forward.

Blessed Unity of the People of God

Psalms 133 “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” 2 It is like the precious oil upon the head, running down on the beard, the beard of Aaron, running down on the edge of his garments. Three it is like the dew of Hermon, descending upon the mountains of Zion; the Lord commanded the blessing-Life forever there.

Crisis Hotlines – AHCCCS