“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”
Since the death of my marriage, I have experienced the pain of my losses and some relationships. What could have destroyed me made me more diligent as the gatekeeper of my heart. What my enemy meant for harm, God intended for good. Even my son’s death was as heartwrenching as it was for me, lost its sting because of Jesus’ death on the Cross, and my son’s faith in Him had already sealed and delivered his soul to heaven years before his end; this is the anchor of my hope.
I am not writing this as something to pity me; I want to share with you what God did for me during these times of grief and loss and how He has guided me on this journey. By sharing my testimony, God is glorified above all things, even death, because He lives.
Although death and my enemy tried to destroy me, I have become mindful of who I spend time with and what I allow into my heart on my Day’s Journey. I was once naive, thinking of the goodness of all, justified their destructive behaviors, and accepted all who entered because I had no boundaries. I took responsibility for my co-dependence behaviors and started doing my work. Unfortunately, my children’s and grandchildren’s mental, physical, and spiritual health suffered because I was not a diligent gatekeeper to my heart or theirs; this is my most profound regret. The Bible says this is the iniquity we inherited from our ancestors, and we pass it down. If this weren’t enough to scare me after learning the truth, I would be guilty of the greater sin of passively allowing my loved ones to suffer the same fate because I did not speak up. Therefore, I will not be silenced.
Furthermore, the Bible is clear that the more you know, the more you are responsible.
I can’t say I learned this wisdom before my heart was shredded to pieces by those I trusted; the death of a child shatters everything you once believed to be accurate and forces you to face things head-on as they are called self-awareness. I came to a place where I radically accepted some people will never change and began pruning them from my life. One thing I had to get is that even God will not force Himself on anyone; this is what the Bible means by saying, “Choose for yourself.” in forty verses.
Self-awareness forced me to face my ignorance, grieve my losses and learn from them. Now, I intentionally leave some things out as I try to put the pieces of my heart back together. I purposely put some unimportant stuff to the side for another time; time is something that must balance like a bank account—forced to say no to some financial spending habits put me on a healthy budget. Likewise, I learned to say no to things that could mentally, physically, or spiritually drain me. Finally and most importantly, I cut out or detached from the things or people that never bore fruit, such as my unfruitful marriage and those who tried to keep me stuck. I allowed the opinions of others to dictate my life, so like my daughter once said, “Put on the Big Girl Panties!” Well, so be it. I did just that and started fighting back by educating myself. Knowledge is powerful!
Once I learned about toxicity and how evil people use Scripture to control and keep their victims stuck, I paid more attention to the Holy Spirit and His word. My lack of boundaries caused cognitive dissonance. The Bible hasn’t been more evident to me as it is now that I see my lack of limits based on my false beliefs. I now see I should have slammed the gate shut on what and who I allowed to enter my property. Now I see and smell the stench of those who are boundary busters, and there should be a sign, NO TRESPASSING!
If you are in an abusive situation, Take Action and call the domestic violence hotline: 800-799-7233
There is valuable information to guide you through an escape plan. Without the help I needed, I would not be here today writing my story. Remember, if you don’t FEEL SAFE, YOU ARE NOT SAFE!
You may have to change your phone number and move several times. By doing my research and working on myself, I learned that this type of abuse is covert narcissism; study your enemy like a spy. A narcissist needs a narcissistic supply like a drug addict needs a fix, and they will stalk you to get a reaction from you; that is the required drug. Unfortunately, I now keep a record of proof to file harassment charges for cyberstalking; this can send him to jail. A covert narcissist is a coward. That is why they are as sneaky as a snake. They will try to get to you through psychological warfare through your friends, social media, family members, etc. Psychological warfare can be more dangerous than physical abuse.
Lastly, leaving an abusive relationship is not the destruction of yourself and your children. Although I am technically homeless and have lived as a wanderer for over a year, I could not be happier than I am now. Yes, I grieve, get angry, struggle, AND I SAY I AM FREE NOW!