Where is Home
Self-Awareness
As I reflected on the past few years, I saw myself standing upon the mountaintop with hands lifted victoriously. I thought of Christian from Paul Bunyon’s book, Pilgrim Progress. Like him, I felt like I was carrying a heavy burden, and although I laid them at the foot of the Cross many times, I felt continually haunted by my sins and the material things I lugged around from house to house. I saw a mountain of pain and suffering; I thought I was leaving behind and my life would change for the better.
Instead, I felt a profound fear of facing my truths, the things I dare not open but knew I must change. I was unaware of my homeless state of mind that had manifested since childhood when my brother and I had to gather our things to be left at someone else’s home, feeling abandoned, unworthy, unloved, and homeless. It’s been over a year since I left the place I called home, which was not my home at all. This past week I donated the last of my belongings and asked the Lord where I would call home. As He closed the door of the last place I called home, He mercifully opened the door of another’s home. For the first few days, I felt the anguish of abandonment and failure crushing against my heart. Then, I felt the sting of rejection again. I bargained with the Lord to take me home as I wept; God wasn’t ready for me yet.
Finally, a wise woman said God had a plan for me; this wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. Crushed in spirit, I replied, I can’t see right now. However, even in her loving eyes, I could see Jesus’ looking at me with compassion and felt His loving arms embrace me through her, a stranger. She also said she believed the Lord brought me here for healing. She also stated that I needed to mentally dig a giant hole and have a funeral for the things taken from me and my own failures. Dr. H. Norman Wright says we need to grieve every loss from the past to move forward. Although I laid my burdens at the foot of the Cross, I did not mourn my losses and receive healing from my childhood abandonment, feeling unworthy, unloved, homelessness, and rejection.
I believed that God was either pleased by what I did right as a child or wife or angered by what I did not do according to my caregivers or ex-husband’s will. Therefore, his love was conditional according to my deeds, such as submitting to abuse so I could have a place to call home. I know this is not the Lord’s way. His love endures forever; however, my heart may feel now. I often imagined my home as a little white house with a garden, a swing, and children playing in the grassy field. This is what I call home.
Today’s word was in Galatians 5:1-For freedom Christ has set us free, stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”
This morning I was awakened by a song, “He redeems, He restores, all that’s taken from His children. https://youtu.be/gzS3QatfXFQ
Prayer: Dear Jesus,
May I be peaceful and free from the suffering of my past; may I feel the safety of Your loving arms around me as I walk through this day knowing You are with me. Thank You for setting me free from the yoke of slavery and giving me the strength and courage to stand firm in You. Amen